004_GET IT IN YOUR HEAD

Leave a comment
Personal Development

The year 2016 was probably the most unfulfilling, unproductive and unhappy years of my life.

I graduated from high school (which looking back at it, really was a toxic place even, though I didn’t realize it at the time). That was due more to certain people I chose to spend time with, blinded by ignorance. The teacher’s were great, I had quite a few good ones but the people…the student body. Now that I can reflect comfortably on those four years of my life…that place was incredibly uninspiring.

Other than graduating, I ended a long-ish relationship (I say long-ish because when you’re in high school, no one’s relationship lasts very long anyways). Mine ended up ending after one year, eleven months and twenty-eight days. We almost made it to two years, missing only by forty-eight hours. Big deal.

At the time though, when I was starting college, I thought it WAS a big deal. I thought that this relationship defined who I was, that without this other person, I didn’t have much else to do.

I thought it would be an easy breakup, maybe two weeks later I’d feel better. But two weeks later I didn’t feel any better. In fact, I felt a hell of a lot worse. Two months later, I was still in the same mental place. College was going alright, but I could slowly see the nagging strain of the breakup beginning to affect my schoolwork.

Come the end of the school year in the following April, I was a mess. I wasn’t sleeping well, and I had stopped going to the gym. I had JUST made it through my final classes at school, scraping by on the skin of my teeth and all the while, keeping contact with this girl whom I had been with. I thought that this was what I needed to do, I needed to keep in touch with her because if I didn’t, I’d lose her and never see her again.

That’s what was standing in my way.

I thought that getting back together would solve everything.

Ha.

Don’t kid yourself.

Get it in your head.

The notion (not to be blunt or rude but it’s the truth) that she mattered.

Ultimately, she didn’t.

Still doesn’t.

Get it in your head.

This took forever. I feared being alone and found myself dwelling on the past. I expected things to happen almost at once with her and thought, for some bizarre reason, that I still mattered to her.

I didn’t learn my lesson until the middle of August in 2017, a full year after we had initially broken up. That was when I finally ended communication with her, not out of spite or because I felt she was an evil human being (she’s not, she’s a good person) but because she, nor the friends we shared, no longer provided any value to me. I wasn’t excited to spend time with them and didn’t even feel comfortable sharing the smallest of personal things with them. So, I cut them out. I don’t have any regrets at all, people come in and out of life all the time, that’s just a fact. It’s the people that stick with you, year after year and hardship after hardship, that you need to focus on.

The only reason I didn’t cut everything earlier was because I THOUGHT that they still mattered. I hadn’t yet understood the mantra that if someone isn’t willing to give you their time and attention, you shouldn’t waste a second trying to give them yours.

Life’s pretty short and I wasn’t about to waste any more of my time, of my life, trying to please someone who didn’t value my time and my life.

Get it in your head.

IT. DOESN’T. MATTER.

It’s not selfish, taking care of yourself first. I got a rather crude text a few months later, saying I had no right to cut any of them off or act the way I did.

I remember laughing when I read it.

I was over here, not giving two shits about it and they pop up like weeds or seagulls, with an unlimited amount of shits to give. Come on, really? I’m not here to waste my time.

Get it in your head.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s