This could be a long one, so bear with me.
It’s a bit of a touchy subject, but one that I know everyone has dealt with and we all have our different methods of coping. Sometimes you can tell when someone’s coping. They start acting differently, it’s possible to pick up different cues and an unconscious understanding that the relationship they were in is now over.
Whether they are in control of the break up or not, that’s not the deciding factor, most of the behaviour is the same.
Trust me, I’ve known quite a few people who have changed once their long relationship ends. Myself included.
Moving on sucks and even though everyone is always telling you that you’ll get over him/her soon, it somehow seems to never come. From the night that your former partner told you that things weren’t going to work any longer from the front seat of your shitty car, to the present day, it seems that this feeling of loss and despair will stretch itself out long into the future.
Here’s a thought, instead of doing what people always say: “just get over it” think of not wasting your time. You want to tell yourself: “I’m not going to waste my time, people come and go. This is one of those times.”
If you’re in a relationship, it should complement and enhance your own personal values. If it’s not doing that, sure you can try and make it work but I can also say with confidence that I’ve never met someone who “took a break and made it work.” When couples break up using the ‘take a break’ method, they’re to scared to commit to an actual breakup. It’s like peeling a Band-Aid off slowly instead of ripping the whole thing, hair and scabs and blood, off all at once.
You two broke up.
You can’t get away from that.
Go back outside and do something! Maybe you and your partner went on walks in the evenings in the forest near your house. Sure, within the first week or so, going back into that forest will be difficult for you. Your mind will be bombarded with all these sweet memories of you and her, holding hands and resting assured that the person next to you loved you. Now, you’re walking alone. Cue Green Day’s ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams.’
Sure, you’re walking alone. So what! Your relationship doesn’t define you! Especially if it’s something as trivial as a high school relationship. Keep moving on.
Don’t be afraid to break contact either. This seems to be one that a lot of people have issues with, whether they feel that complete neglect isn’t the right way to deal with the conflict and that cutting a person out is a bit ‘harsh’ considering circumstances. I’ll shrug. Personally…I don’t care. I’ll get rid of your number, I’ll break contact and if I could have my way, I’d remove that person from my life completely. Not out of spite but for myself. No chance of running into them at the grocery store anymore.
It took me forever to do that when my relationship ended. I tried to hold on as long as I could until I was reaching for nothing and the girl that I had broken up with in the first place was now a completely different person. Shit happens. Time changes people.
I had failed to recognize that the relationship was already going down the toilet. Instead I was more concerned with holding onto the fragments that were left without realizing that the it had become a black hole consuming my energy, time and my values.
It was the worst and most subtle form of entitlement.
You shouldn’t be afraid of cutting the other person out merely out of respect for their feelings or how their friends would react. Maybe they were the ones that initiated the break up. Well guess what, now it’s your turn to break up the interaction, sweep the pieces into the garbage and throw the garbage out into the street where it’s free to get run over and kicked around.
Who cares what they think? It’s not like they have the same feelings about you anymore?
We all have a responsibility for our emotions and how we choose to act.
I wish that I’d known this myself when I had my breakup. I dragged it on for way to long and kept talking to her because I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought that if I kept talking, maybe there would be a change of heart and we’d light a spark again. By appeasing her and solving her problems, I thought that it would solve mine and make me happy as well. Long story short, it didn’t. It made me worse.
I laugh at that now, because I didn’t realize that this girl wasn’t fulfilling my own life and my values, instead she was draining it and felt free to let me hang on.
By actively choosing to move on, you’re already showing control of the situation. Regardless of how shitty it is and despite how badly you may want to throw up, you’ve taken control and you’re not going to let a breakup control your life.
If you let a breakup control your life it begins to act less like a mosquito and more like a blood sucking parasite that’s infected your bloodstream with a virus. The more control you give the breakup, the worse you feel and the worse the virus gets.
But hold on, here’s the best part.
If you’re ex starts trying to talk shit, saying you cut them off, that there was no reason to do so, that you overreacted…or anything similar, then fuck them (vulgarity justified). They have no authority to say that about you when you’re just trying to take control and move on. If they’ve got a problem with that, they’ll end up single the rest of their life and that’s not your problem either. Let them complain and whine. You’re out here living!
I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. Moving on sucks, especially from a long relationship. Just bear this in mind, you should always assume the other person has moved on completely already, leaving you to deal with the mess. That’s no fair either, you’re not the one who wants to pick up that mess. Quite frankly, no one does.
So, don’t play the victim card and look for sympathy. It’s like feeling bad for someone who has a cold. So what? Everyone get’s a cold, big deal. Shit happens. You’re not going to die. Not yet. Everyone breaks up. Shit happens. Move on.
Rip off the Band-Aid.
Don’t let it define you.
Cut out what isn’t working.
Don’t spend months trying to stand next to someone who doesn’t deserve to be next to you.
Go to the gym. Workout. Go outside. Run. Make something. Write something. Break something. Talk to someone. Just because his/her number is still in your phone doesn’t mean it needs to stay there. It’s a phone number, not a tattoo. Delete it. You owe it to yourself.